Porn Addiction – What were you thinking?

9 mental traps that keep you locked in a relationship with pornography.

Ever wonder what men are thinking about when they are using porn?  Well, the answers might surprise you.  Researchers (Reid & Gray, 2006) studying men who’s wives have confronted them about their pornography use have found nine common responses that might not match what you think they’re thinking. 

These responses can be seen to represent a mindset or perspective that not only undermines personal relationships, but also promotes and justifies an ongoing relationship with pornography.  Here’s a look at these nine perspectives and how they destroy desired relationships and at the same time tighten the bond between porn and its user.

1. Entitlement

“I deserve it” sums up the attitude of the entitlement perspective.  The entitlement mindset can stem from multiple life situations.  For example, feeling superior to others can stimulate entitlement, and on the other end of the spectrum, being denied what one feels is rightfully due can also generate this feeling.  Regardless of the origins of entitlement, those in this mindset have a pattern of constantly evaluating what one expects against what one is getting.  When the difference causes discomfort, people with an entitlement mindset will have no problem correcting the “injustice” then acting out their “right” to have what they think they should have.  Whether blatantly or covertly acting out, the end result of entitlement leaves the pornography user feeling guilt-free, justified, and within acceptable boundaries, paving the road for a smooth ongoing relationship with pornography.

2. Altruism

“I’m just protecting everyone” is something you would hear from someone who has adopted the false altruism perspective.  This mindset actually allows for the porn user to admit that they have a problem, but feel that the duty to protect others from any damaging effect from the knowledge supersedes the value of addressing the problem.   This attitude is conducive toward creating a martyr syndrome.  “No one will ever know the burden I have to bear to keep my family safe” or “Sure I’m in a little deeper than I want to be, but do you know what it would do to the family if I come out about this?”  This mindset justifies an ongoing relationship with pornography and creates the illusion that the pornography user is actually a protector of his family by hiding his habit.  A great recipe for undermining the core trust within a relationship, and setting the stage for future forms of deception.

3. Omniscience

This attitude is where one feels that they have complete knowledge of the thoughts and motivations of others confronting them with their problem.  Someone with this perspective is the consummate skeptic, questioning the goodwill and honest intentions of anyone that might jeopardize their relationship with porn.  Followers of this mindset often have a history of being betrayed by others close to them.  Inflexible and rigid, this control-based attitude creates a comfortable cocoon to incubate a long-lasting relationship with porn.  Unobstructed from the noise of any reality that would question the implications of porn use, this pattern bleeds into personal relationships by demanding that the spouse either “buy-in” to the user’s “master understanding” or at the minimum, tolerate the user’s obvious dodges of reasonable outside perspectives.  Spouses that choose to take on one of these roles often grow resentful of not having their needs heard and may look outside of their current relationships to have those needs met.

4. Deception

This attitude can be tricky due to its many facets.  The deception mindset is dedicated to distorting truth.  Distorting truth can be an active or passive process.   Active deception can include practices like telling lies, making outward false claims, or covering tracks.  While passive deception might come in the form of lies of omission or other means of controlling the flow of accurate information.  What makes deception such a tempting mistress is the rush that can accompany the process.  The elements of excitement, the thrill of getting away with something can be as addictive as the porn itself.  Many deception -based relationships will go on for years seemingly untouched by any effects of porn until a discovery is made.  Then the spouse learns that the joke has been at her expense the whole time.  The longer the length of the deception the more difficult it becomes to repair the wounds caused by an unimaginable violation of trust.

5. Blaming

Synonymous with playing the “victim role”, a blaming attitude insists others are inflicting unjust circumstances within the porn-user’s life and the feeling that there is nothing that can be done by the porn-user to change the situation.  The “oppressors” can be a spouse, social pressures, workplace conflict, or almost any circumstance or person that creates a sensation of being picked on.  Blaming works well with porn as feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are washed away and are replaced by the illusion of power, virility, and control that floods the brain while engaging with the screen images.  A real relationship doesn’t stand a chance against the benefits that a relationship with porn can provide.  Porn is available when it’s supposed to be and goes away when its told.  Porn never argues back.  Porn is never unfair.  Porn doesn’t tell me I’m inadequate.  Porn is safe to be near.  Porn never hurts me and YOU DO!  For the partner its very tough to compete with that, but try as you may it will never be adequate enough to escape the blame game.

6. Pride

Pure, simple and as old a vice as there is, pride uses fear to prevent moving from a particular perspective to another.  More specifically, the fear of the cost of change.  For those with the pride mindset the highest priority is being right.  Being wrong is the equivalent of being bad.  So the choice for the pride-style attitude porn user is clear; “be right” and therefore be “OK” or “be wrong” and admit that you’re “bad.”  This feeling cuts to the core, almost a matter of life or death for the psyche of the user.  Given this situation, a pride-style mindset prevents anyone who slips into a pornography from getting help.  Unfortunately, many who use this style must experience great loss before they give up on pride.  Many will need to lose almost everything before they give up on pride, including relationships with spouses and children, wealth, careers, and for some their freedom.

7. Objectification

Maybe the most well-known mindset is that of objectification or the de-personalization of women.  Broken down into parts (i.e., breasts, legs, mouths, etc.) a women is now less than a person.  Add to this the false notion that cyber porn “isn’t real” – just pixels on a screen.  Another great porn cocktail, desensitization toward the real personhood of women together with the understanding that “virtual” means “no actual people involved.”

The longer this mindset is allowed to have reign over a porn-user, the more justified the user will feel about their porn use.  No “person” is getting hurt, so no problem.  For the spouse of an objectifying user, the relationship becomes more difficult to feel a part of as they come to understand that they also have been playing the role of an object to their mate.  Despite the desire and efforts to create intimacy, the spouse of the objectifying user becomes increasingly frustrated with their partner’s  lack of interest in them, and often seeks out attention from outside the marriage.

8. Distraction

Different from blaming, where the justification for using porn is placed on the actions of others, distraction is where one dysfunctional activity is used to cope with another.  For example, using porn to distract from financial problems.  Choosing to avoid the reality of  financial challenges only deepens the crisis and creates a bigger demand for more distraction.  As the primary concern goes unaddressed, the ability to keep distracted can become increasingly difficult.  While the unattended financial issue grows, the intensity of the distraction will likely grow.  Where in the beginning stages 10 minutes once a week with soft port might suffice, it is common to see the future stages requiring hours of daily interaction with content that becomes more and more hardcore.   Those in relationships with people who use distraction to justify porn use inevitably find themselves feeling ignored; after all, to him, problems, yours or his, are best dealt with by not not dealing with them.

9. Revenge

Just like the name implies, the revenge perspective gives the user permission to punish others that have wronged them.  A way to exact “payback” on those that “oppress” the user.  Common themes that accompany the revenge mindset are often focused at a partner; for example, “my wife holds out on me, so this will teach her” or “that’s what she gets for getting fat.”  However, it is not uncommon to see revenge via porn in other areas of a user’s life, such as the workplace where a man might use porn as a way to “steal time” from an employer he feels has treated him unfairly.  Well, you might have learned as a child that two wrongs don’t make a right, and that lesson would apply here as well.  Stacking injury on top of injury, the revenge mindset is toxic to any healthy relationship, as the growing weight of cumulative injuries spawn new levels of resentment toward each member of the partnership.

Final Thoughts

The next time you wonder what a porn user is thinking, remember these nine mindsets.  It may help you guide yourself or a loved one out of an addiction and towards a satisfying relationship.  Becoming aware of the mindsets that keep you in a relationship with pornography is a great first step in finding freedom from pornography addiction.  Because many of these mindsets have their origins in childhood experiences, it can be difficult to self-identify and become free from one or more of these traps.  So getting some outside perspective from a counselor specializing in porn addiction can be essential to identifying and treating your life situation.

* Reid, R.C., and D. Grey, 2006 Confronting your spouse’s pornography problem. Sandy, UT: Silverleaf Press